The Epsilon Program

Do you want to be happy and free from thought?
Then join us in Los Santos!

You can find our lovely headquarters on Spanish Avenue in Rockford Hills, Los Santos. Join us today!

Beliefs, the 12 Tenets of Kifflom

1. The world is 157 years old – FACT!
2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak – FACT!
3. You are happy, you just don’t know it – FACT!
4. We all come from the same tree – FACT!
5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair – FACT!
6. Sperm does not exist – it is a lie spread by biology teachers – along with everything else you have ever been told – FACT!
7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day – FACT!
8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birthmark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm – FACT!
9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them – FACT!
10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure – FACT!
11. If you believe this and turn your hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed – FACT!
12. KIFFLOM – HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!

The 12 Goals of Epsilonism

I. We are making an assault on happiness.
II. We will be generous, in ways that are upwards and ways that are manifest.
III. We will live by the proven scientific truth of the metaphors.
IV. We will fight superstition, limited thinking and dogma wherever we find it.
V. We will be clear thinking, independent-minded and do exactly what we are told.
VI. We will practice science by not doubting.
VII. We will display infinite power by closing out those with doubt with our life choices.
VIII. We will practice kindness and mercy by a relentless assault on insavables, always reminding them of what awaits.
IX. We will be everywhere, all at once, but also right here, right now.
X. We will invest in a structured study program, because we know that knowledge is not free.
XI. We will be oopen-minded to new experiences apart from those that are wrong, insavable, or against teachings.
XII. We will promote epsilonism in everything we do, while we await both the writing of the tract and the ending of the 9th paradigm.

The Epsilonist Pledge

All good things come from Kraff, that is the fact on which Epsilonism is built.
Epsilonism is a science as well as a Religion – in fact, we are the only religion that is also a science and which is concerned with seeking the truth.
As real truth seekers, we are willing to pay to make the search go better. In this way we are investing in our future.
The Pledge will continue to be revealed in due time. KIFFLOM.

Tequi-La-La Nightclub

The nightclub is located at the intersection of Eclipse Boulevard and Milton Road in West Vinewood, Los Santos.

Tequi-la-la used to be a restaurant owned by the mob but was closed after the “Adam’s apple in the soup” incident of 1982. In 1983 the bar was reopened and became the Mecca of bands and fans of hair metal of the entire country. Its name is a portmanteau of “tequila”, a type of alcoholic beverage, and the French exclamation of “oo-la-la”.

The nightclub features a main floor where you can find the stage at one end and a bar at the other with a small dance floor between the two. It has its own VIP lounge on the second floor where you can also find the technical/DJ area, and in the basement, you can find a pool table, arcade and darts board.

Tequi-la-la is now owned by business woman Guinevere Howard who can often be found frequenting the bar.